Peace is a lie
by effey16
Summary: Just a short love story within the Jedi order.  I just wanted to start writing again, so here's my first story.  I'm sorry about the lame ending; I don't really think that romance is my cup of tea.  Overall, though, not bad.


_There is no emotion; there is peace_

_There is no passion; there is serenity_

Over the last year or so, these have sort of become my personal mantras. I think that's what they're meant to be: something that we can repeat to ourselves whenever we feel the pull of the dark side. And I've certainly been repeating them a lot - during my lessons, my meals, even when I sleep. I do not wish to stain this sacred place with my primitive emotions.

A jedi must be serene.

But then last night, everything changed. I'd decided - I remember I'd decided - to tell her how I felt. I figured that that was the only way to relieve me of this tortuous longing. She'd react to the news like any good padawan should and, if I was lucky, we'd never talk again. We'd go our separate ways and perhaps meet again once I've fully mastered my emotions.

_Lucky. _If only I could make myself believe that.

Selena hopped into my chambers with a smile and a laugh, just like she's done every night since we were kids. "Hey Jeff!" she called, "You ready to meditate?" Her beaming face made my heart skip a beat, and I had to close my eyes to regain composure.

_There is no passion; there is serenity_. _There is no emotion; there is peace._

"I see you've started without me," Selena cheerfully continued, more or less oblivious to my inner turmoil. "I guess I'd better be quiet then." She plopped herself down on the ground and assumed a position of repose. It didn't take long for her to erase the joy from her expression and focus all of her mind into the meditation. She has much more self-control than I.

"Selena...we have to talk."

"Shhh, you'll break my concentration."

"It's important." Selena opened her eyes for me, and I knew I had her attention, even if she wouldn't say anything more. "I need to confess...I mean...you should know...I've been the victim recently of extraordinary emotions that I cannot control. Believe me when I say that I've tried. I am (gulp) attracted to you, and I think that it would be best if we...stopped spending so much time together."

Silence. Selena closed her eyes again, never showing a bit of emotion.

"Well…are you going to say anything?" I asked her.

"Shhh, I'm meditating. You should too, Mr. can't-control-my-emotions." She opened her eyes for a second, winking mischievously, before returning to her tranquil trance. The wink didn't help much, but I tried to push away my confusion and join her in meditation.

_There is no passion; there is serenity._

I never can tell how long I've been meditating, but after a while Selena whispered to me. "Jeff?" I opened my eyes and looked straight into hers. She'd gotten closer - our noses were no more than a couple inches apart. Her lips…so close to mine. And they got closer. And closer. And then they were on mine. So soft. So different than I imagined, but…lovely. Really lovely.

We pulled apart. "I thought you were supposed to be the one with the self-control."

Selena grinned. "I guess I must love you more."

"We'll see about that." I kissed her again. This time was longer, more passionate. Years of suppressed emotions between our lips, crying out in jubilation even as they tore off the bonds of their oppression, reveling in the majesty of freedom and dancing in the full light of the moon. Emotions that I could not, would not, and did not control.

It's not surprising that we didn't hear my master approaching. "Jeff, I felt a disturbance in the...oh." There was no time to hide it. Master Dresala just strode through the door and saw everything. "Oh Jeff. Selena." He shook his head and just left, disappointment written all over his face, leaving me feeling ashamed of myself. One look at Selena told me that she was feeling the same way. It was a real turn off.

I fought the urge to run after him and try to explain myself. But I had no idea what I would even say to him. I didn't even know how I felt about it. I'd just end up blathering and not convincing him of anything. Jedi are patient – he could wait until I've collected my thoughts.

I untangled myself from Selena. Her face showed about as much emotion as a stone, but that's just her jedi training. I could sense the level of emotion hiding just behind that mask. She's always been the better padawan – the protégé – the one who succeeds in whatever she tries and always follows the jedi teachings. Neither of us could think of anything to say. I could feel her tortured heart lashing out through the force. One good yell would have served her well, but she kept it all inside, resolving to destroy the darkness within with her will alone. She stood up and said, "I'm sorry, Jeff, I need time to think." I wanted to reach out and hug her – tell her that everything would be alright – but I think that would only have made things worse. Instead, as she left my room I reached out to her with the force. I touched her heart and tried to calm its hurried beating. She turned around and smiled at me weakly. It was a look that said "Thanks for trying."

And then she left me alone.

_There is no emotion…_like hell. I know there is emotion. I'm feeling it right now. Ignoring or suppressing something doesn't make it go away. I don't even know if I want it to go away. I can't help but feel that these things I've been taught since before I can remember are wrong. But if they're wrong then what's right?

I know that kindness is right. They teach us to be always merciful and understanding. That's all love is, really. Not lust, but tenderness and understanding. No one could say that it's evil to love a sibling, or a neighbor, or a friend. And if I'm allowed to love them, then why can't I love Selena too?

Oh, wait, we aren't allowed to love our family either, or even know them, really.

Hmmmm….

Well that's just stupid.

I know who's knocking before she even opens the door. Selena moves quietly, trying to avoid making the smallest of sounds as she slips into my room. I know she means to reassure me with her smile, but it only makes me fear to lose her more. Fear that we'll be separated for the rest of our lives.

And fear reminds me of the dark side.

_There is no passion; there is …_– oh wait, I can't say that anymore. That's supposed to be false. Passion does exist. Fear exists. It's even helpful sometimes.

Oh shit – I really do sound like a Sith.

"Hey Jeff," Selena says softly.

"Selena," I say, "I don't know what to think. I…I fear that the dark side is corrupting my thoughts."

"You idiot," she says, trying too hard to sound playful. "The day you turn to the dark side is the day I marry a wookie." She makes a sound between a laugh and a sob that just about breaks my heart. I take her up in my arms and hug her tightly, almost afraid to let go. "Jeff," she whispers, "you are the kindest, sweetest, gentlest man I've ever met. Don't doubt yourself for an instant. I never will."

"I love you."

"I love you too." She kisses me softly, quickly, as if trying to convey all her emotions in that one kiss. But when she draws away, she has tears in the corners of her eyes. "I have a plan…" she says, sounding strong but feeling weak.

"Oh thank goodness."

"We run away."

Whatever I was expecting, it wasn't that. "Well that hardly sounds like you."

"I know, I know, but I don't see any other option." She lowered her voice and stared down at her feet, afraid to meet my eyes. "You know what they'd do to us. If we don't stop seeing each other. They'll exile us from the order and cut us off from the force, just to make _absolutely sure_ we don't become Sith." She spat the last word as if it were poison.

"But where would we go to?"

"I don't know. Somewhere!"

"They'd find us."

"But what choice do we have?"

"We can do the bureaucratic thing. I'm sure that there are jedi who will side with us."

"Jeff, I don't even think we could convince master Dresala."

"But we'll never know until we try. Besides, we can always run afterwards."

"Maybe you're right."

"Come on. I know what I'm talking about."

From the shadows beneath his eyes, I could tell that Master Dresala didn't get much sleep either. It's almost as if the disappointed look from yesterday had frozen on his expression. Or maybe that was just for our benefit, so that we know what sort of trouble we're in (as if we didn't know already). I don't really know – it always hurts my head to consider the motives of the masters. I attempted to close my heart and discipline my expression, trying hard to adopt the same posture as my master.

"Did you have something to say to me, Jeff? Selena?" Dresala said, discipline incarnate.

Didn't I have a plan? I thought that I knew what I was going to say, not word-for-word, but at least the gist of it. But all of my arguments seem childish before his grave stare. Without thinking about it, I reach out and clasp Selena's hand. Both are sweaty and sticky, but they feel better together.

Selena responds for me, sounding stiffly formal. The mere presence of a master extinguished her passion like a rain extinguishing a candle. "Master Dresala, I confess to loving Jeff."

Dresala nodded sagaciously. "Is that all you have to say?" It was not testy or haughty. It was merely a question, and perhaps a test. Perhaps he meant to see if we would misinterpret his calmness as arrogance or as a judgment on our relationship, and so respond in anger. That was the kind of tone he had. A tone meant to provoke the wrong sort of response from the wrong sort of people; those who control their passions had nothing to fear.

"Master, I would also like to request that Selena and I be allowed to continue our relationship." My tone was even.

"So you will be leaving the order?"

"If you would allow it, master, we would prefer to stay."

The master stared at us long and hard. Penetrating. Then he relaxed, a smile spreading across his bearded cheeks. "Alright. If you ever choose to marry, we'll have to perform a bonding ceremony, but, otherwise, the less we know the better. Most of us are celibate, after all."

Confused, but not willing the question this turn of fate lest it disappear, I thanked my master and took Selena outside.


End file.
